To kill a mocking Google

Ggggah ! 

Seriously, I'm  telling you. Google just love to mock me. 

helpfully asking for postal code to find me the nearest psy

I think I may be forced to opt for another search engine.

 

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Excess fat

Lost 1,6 kg in a month. Not a big figure. But that's a good start. 

Moreover, I didn't have to do anything to lose weight. I was just being a very busy educator. 

I am not getting anorexic nor bulemic for that matter. I'm just aiming for a 20,4 on the BMI scale, which was my regular before I got stuck in the world of unemployment and immobility. In that case, I need to lose 3 more kilograms.

As per today, my BMI is 21,9. And I don't feel quite comfortable in this shape. Uncool. 

But I could already fit in my favourite pants yesterday though they're still a bit snug. Still, that's a plus.

 

 

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The past that has not passed...

I was chatting with my most favourite kor-kor this.. urm.. this.. well, whatever you call the time at 3.39am.

And tibe² I terbuat ayat² poyo ini. 

Boleh kot kan nak teruja dengan ayat poyo sendiri. (-_-!)

But it's true. I just can't help looking back to my past years in France. How 3 years wasn't enough. How I wanna revive those wonderful moments. How I let pass some precious moments. How I took some opportunities for granted. How I regretted some snapshots in wonderful places I could have immortalized but I did not. 

My lovely home. The chattery old Mme. Daudan next door. The lovely old yet well-kept pavement and stone buildings along my way to uni. The greenery. The fresh air of the morning. The friendly and smiley handsome déchetiers taking off their caps saying Bonjour ! as they passed by in or clinging to their camion. The sweet and yeasty smell coming out from the bakeries. The sinfully delicious chaussons aux pommes and torsades. The quick kebab for lunch on a packed day. 

The breezy air of early autumn. A mélange of vibrant colours on the trees. The flickers of lights at Christmas Markets. The aroma of the hot red wine. Admiring the shapes embedded by my boots into the fluffy and pure white snow while savouring hot churros dipped into chocolate sauce. Snuggling under my thick blanket on a snowy morning during weekend, knowing and somewhat feeling "assured" that Mr. Other Half is just snoring or watching Corneil et Bernie in the living room. 

Breaking down and green with envy watching a couple kissing sweetly beneath the Eiffel in the rain. A fine evening with Mr. OH, all dressed up and glam cruising along the Seine River in Paris. The quiet walk hand in hand with Mr. OH by the Doubs River. Carefully avoiding those tiny little paquerettes and buttercups when having a stroll in the meadow. 

In the nutshell, a huge part of me is still left in France. The life I could almost possibly not be able to live again. No matter how much I long for it.

Please dear God, give Fzah Ruslan another opportunity to go back there again and fulfil what she did not before. 

Thank you for praying with me dear readers.

 

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The End.

For once, I think I finally understand how and why people were determined to end their misery by ending their own lives... 

I know this is gonna sound kinda crazy... It's just that, tonight, I really feel like I can't go on with my life anymore. Don't bother nak nasihatkan I segala. Just don't annoy me ! This is my life we are talking about, I'll do just as I please. Period.

And at one point, I feel like, nobody cares about me, nobody cares how I feel. Everybody just see me like that stubborn and stone-headed person I always make people believe. But no one knows the troubles inside my head, the thunderstorm striking my heart. No one ever tried to know the inner, the real me. 

My friends who I cared much enough to try to be with them when they're troubled. The ones I always told them that I'd always be reachable for them if ever they're in need, (and I was quite the last person to know that theyve found peace). The ones I had the best of times with. No, not even my own family. Not even Mr. OH. All the more reason for me to feel much depressed...

I know I'm getting on your nerves by self-pitying Wee Pin, but I just can't help it. Because sometimes, people really worth pitying. I'm sorry. =)

At this point of time, I feel like people are taking advantage on my kindness, on my readiness to commit. On my willingness to assume the fault though it was never mine from the beginning. People around me are just having a complaisant time because of my silence. 

No one seems to appreciate things I've done for them. The times I spent for them. The money I spent to be with them. My love for them. How much I cared about them. Instead, they just forget me, they hurt me over and over again. All the insults, the humiliations, the blames, being ignored...

And at this point of time, stop living seems to be the perfect solution. You know, the kind of feeling you rasa berkobar² untuk lakukan sesuatu until the hair at the back of your neck all stand up? Yes, I have that. 

 

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No title required.

Is it just me or it just so happens that when you cry at night, perut you masuk angin ?

Yeah... I am just like the little duckling, lost, confused, in need of someone to pat on my head saying, "There, there, don't cry... I'm here..." 

 

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Err

I have erred so many times in my life.
At 26, it is too late to make some of them alright again.

I'll do everything in my power to prevent my kids from doing the same mistakes.

*Reflection mode*

 

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goo goo gaa gaa~

I learnt from Mr. Other Half's sister-in-law that she's expecting her first baby in 4 months time. They're having a baby boy. Yeay~! I am happy for them. And I hope, both mother and baby will be just fine.

Except that, I'm a bit, I don't know, frustrated, I guess... Because the first grandson will not be the fruit of my own loins. Though possibility of the the otherwise is much slimmer than my (previously) 24" waist, a girl still can dream, can't she ? I mean, Mr. Oh's brother got married 3 years ago. Whilst we're not even married yet ! And we're thousands of miles apart. Even if we wanted to commit premarital sex, we surely couldn't. And of course, I want my children to be those of legitimacy. Besides, so far, we have no plan to craddle our own baby until our marriage ages 2 years. 

Oh well. Let's just hope none of my siblings will "burn the midnight oil" (ngaaaa~) just to outleague me in producing those little creatures pitter-pattering around the house of Ruslan.

achingly sweet

Hurm... Berangan la nak dapat hug² to sleep Mr. OH dengan body setough itu.

Dan berangan juga la kalau my colouring would ever be fairer than Mr. OH's. (-_-!)

 

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Tempted

Honestly guys, I am tempted to finish off with this Pahang story I was teling you about... 

But I prefer to hit the sack early tonight. I've had a very rough long day. Literally. Long, not as in 9 am to 5 pm long BUT 6.54 am to 5 pm !!! Yes, you read me right, no, I ain't no bluffing y'all ! Don't trust me ? I shall show you the school Teachers' Daily Attendance Listing. It is secured by finger print system as a measure againts cheats. What ? You thought we still use that antique write-your-name-and-sign-in-that-worn-and-torn-big-log-book ?

Now you see why I hate those bunch of people saying "Your life is easy, you're a teacher, you work half day bla²²²~" or "You teachers don't need to work hard. You only go to school and teach." or "You are well paid for a measly job you do" or "I wish I did linguistic studies in Uni because it's all about grammar..." Ha-di-haha ! You're goddamn funny ! If only you know what the hell our life is about !

And a rough day. Roughly because, some fellow colleagues started to play rough with me. 

Finally, for once in weeks, I shed tears in the staffroom. Mainly because of these rough people, the workload, and the rough day altogether. Also perhaps I was a bit on the touchy side because I was gonna have my period soon. As I said "the painters are coming in". I was having a very bad cough, a sore throat, I lost my voice and also was on the brink of falling sick (which explains my current addiction towards Ubat Batuk Cap Ibu dan Anak). But haha ! Nobody noticed me wiping my eyes and face dry (glad I've brought my tissue box to my desk a few days ago). Though there were so many teachers present. What ? You thought when we don't have class, we just sit around, watch people and gossip ? Nooooo ! We hustle bustle around looking for this and that, him and her, getting other than academic stuff done ! We are more than just teachers. We are the cleaners, decorators, prison wardens, head-counters, coaches, trainers, ambulance drivers, typist, accountants, clerks and the list is not exhaustive.

Urgghhh~ 

And I was all smiley-miley goody-goody nicey-nicey all-yessy okay-ee baby... En garde ! 2 years to come, you'll know the real me. No, this isn't even half of my true self*.

 

*Quoting Dila Kasim

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Pahang the return

Just a (try to be) quick update or continuation from my previous episod of Pahang stuff..

So I was saying, I somehow asked under-the-counter-ly to be sent to Pahang, in Pekan, preferably as Mr. Other Half was considering to accept this well-paid job in Gambang. There were a nearer option, in Kuantan precisely. But there was only an SBPI Kuantan available. And no, no one in their right mind would send somebody like me to an SBPI. Why you may ask ? Well, let's just say it's because I am not a hijabi. Enough said. And so, Pekan seemed to be the right choice. A bit of route everyday but quite manageable still. 

Months after this slow talk, finally in February or March 2011, I can't recall, Mr. OH decided to decline this particular offer from Gambang. Firstly because there were some silly requirements which he refused to abide. Next, he's got another job offer near Pasir Gudang, Johor. Not as generously paid as in Gambang, but we thought we could live well enough on it. 

I was doing my internship at that moment. And coincidently, on March 25th (my birthday. hint~hint~), I was given the responsibility to take the KGV French Language students to the bi-annual French Cultural Day (weekend, actually) in Cheras. Also coincidently, the very same person in charge of our placement was present. During a speech, he did invite whoever among us having any particular demand with regard to the placement to have a private talk with him later on. He said it quite jestingly but I thought, "Hey, why not give it a try ?". And so I did. There were 2 posts available in Johor at that time; Tun Fatimah School (Johor Bharu) and Kota Tinggi Science School (Bandar Penawar). The nearest option was of course STF. But to my dismay, it's an all girls school. You see, I myself have spent wasted 5 bloody years of my teen age in an all girls school and in my whole (almost) 26 years walking the earth, I've had enough dramas with girls, women, spinsters, bitches and the like, I said to myself "enough is enough, no more". 

I went to this mister, proudly telling him, I wanted to be sent all the way down south-east to Bandar Penawar. Really, it's like offering a fluffy squishy pillow to a a very very sleepy person, he was so delighted to hear that. It's because for 2 years, there was no French teacher in the school. They really were in dire need of a new teacher, and a volunteer one at that. He even gave me BOTH his private numbers and also his e-mailing address, telling me to remind him again of the matter came June because we were supposed to be in schools in August so he needed to arrange things before time. 

TO BE CONTINUED... Again. I promise.

 

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Planning planning...

It's gonna be a long weekend (Saturday - Tuesday) due to our Prophet Muhammad's Birthday and Thaipussam (?). Need to plan wisely to spend the weekend wisely.

Saturday : 

Do laundry. While waiting for it to dry up, do all school stuff. Prepare handouts, study English Syllabus and prepare for coming English lesson. Yes, I teach English too, though I never had a formal education in teaching that. MUST mark students' English essay. Partly because I'm going into their class right on Wednesday. Also MUST because all teachers in the staff room looked at me in disbelief when I was carrying a bundle of exercise books down to my car. 

NOBODY marks books during weekend. NOBODY.

Sunday :

Go to Jusco & Tesco & Carrefour in Tebrau City. Explore, compare price and do shopping. By books. 

Monday : 

Go to Desaru Beach / Balau Cape (10km away yay !), unwind, daydreaming, layan blues, jiwang karat, read books bought the day before, act pretty in pretty dress... A shame I didn't buy the huge 15RM Mother-of-the-Bride's hat Anis and I were agonizing whether to buy or not back in Malacca. The kind that stabs the eyes of other people in your vicinity...

Little did we know we would be sent away to a school by the sea (almost) where it is most suitable to wear to. Eyes shut, head tilted towards the horizon, smell the salty air, listen to the waves, let the wind blow our floaty white dress and hair while holding the top of our hats in place (just the way Fadly imagines it). 

Tuesday :

Listen to "The Lazy Song".

 

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