To kill a mocking Google

Ggggah ! 

Seriously, I'm  telling you. Google just love to mock me. 

helpfully asking for postal code to find me the nearest psy

I think I may be forced to opt for another search engine.

 

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Excess fat

Lost 1,6 kg in a month. Not a big figure. But that's a good start. 

Moreover, I didn't have to do anything to lose weight. I was just being a very busy educator. 

I am not getting anorexic nor bulemic for that matter. I'm just aiming for a 20,4 on the BMI scale, which was my regular before I got stuck in the world of unemployment and immobility. In that case, I need to lose 3 more kilograms.

As per today, my BMI is 21,9. And I don't feel quite comfortable in this shape. Uncool. 

But I could already fit in my favourite pants yesterday though they're still a bit snug. Still, that's a plus.

 

 

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The past that has not passed...

I was chatting with my most favourite kor-kor this.. urm.. this.. well, whatever you call the time at 3.39am.

And tibe² I terbuat ayat² poyo ini. 

Boleh kot kan nak teruja dengan ayat poyo sendiri. (-_-!)

But it's true. I just can't help looking back to my past years in France. How 3 years wasn't enough. How I wanna revive those wonderful moments. How I let pass some precious moments. How I took some opportunities for granted. How I regretted some snapshots in wonderful places I could have immortalized but I did not. 

My lovely home. The chattery old Mme. Daudan next door. The lovely old yet well-kept pavement and stone buildings along my way to uni. The greenery. The fresh air of the morning. The friendly and smiley handsome déchetiers taking off their caps saying Bonjour ! as they passed by in or clinging to their camion. The sweet and yeasty smell coming out from the bakeries. The sinfully delicious chaussons aux pommes and torsades. The quick kebab for lunch on a packed day. 

The breezy air of early autumn. A mélange of vibrant colours on the trees. The flickers of lights at Christmas Markets. The aroma of the hot red wine. Admiring the shapes embedded by my boots into the fluffy and pure white snow while savouring hot churros dipped into chocolate sauce. Snuggling under my thick blanket on a snowy morning during weekend, knowing and somewhat feeling "assured" that Mr. Other Half is just snoring or watching Corneil et Bernie in the living room. 

Breaking down and green with envy watching a couple kissing sweetly beneath the Eiffel in the rain. A fine evening with Mr. OH, all dressed up and glam cruising along the Seine River in Paris. The quiet walk hand in hand with Mr. OH by the Doubs River. Carefully avoiding those tiny little paquerettes and buttercups when having a stroll in the meadow. 

In the nutshell, a huge part of me is still left in France. The life I could almost possibly not be able to live again. No matter how much I long for it.

Please dear God, give Fzah Ruslan another opportunity to go back there again and fulfil what she did not before. 

Thank you for praying with me dear readers.

 

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The End.

For once, I think I finally understand how and why people were determined to end their misery by ending their own lives... 

I know this is gonna sound kinda crazy... It's just that, tonight, I really feel like I can't go on with my life anymore. Don't bother nak nasihatkan I segala. Just don't annoy me ! This is my life we are talking about, I'll do just as I please. Period.

And at one point, I feel like, nobody cares about me, nobody cares how I feel. Everybody just see me like that stubborn and stone-headed person I always make people believe. But no one knows the troubles inside my head, the thunderstorm striking my heart. No one ever tried to know the inner, the real me. 

My friends who I cared much enough to try to be with them when they're troubled. The ones I always told them that I'd always be reachable for them if ever they're in need, (and I was quite the last person to know that theyve found peace). The ones I had the best of times with. No, not even my own family. Not even Mr. OH. All the more reason for me to feel much depressed...

I know I'm getting on your nerves by self-pitying Wee Pin, but I just can't help it. Because sometimes, people really worth pitying. I'm sorry. =)

At this point of time, I feel like people are taking advantage on my kindness, on my readiness to commit. On my willingness to assume the fault though it was never mine from the beginning. People around me are just having a complaisant time because of my silence. 

No one seems to appreciate things I've done for them. The times I spent for them. The money I spent to be with them. My love for them. How much I cared about them. Instead, they just forget me, they hurt me over and over again. All the insults, the humiliations, the blames, being ignored...

And at this point of time, stop living seems to be the perfect solution. You know, the kind of feeling you rasa berkobar² untuk lakukan sesuatu until the hair at the back of your neck all stand up? Yes, I have that. 

 

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No title required.

Is it just me or it just so happens that when you cry at night, perut you masuk angin ?

Yeah... I am just like the little duckling, lost, confused, in need of someone to pat on my head saying, "There, there, don't cry... I'm here..." 

 

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Err

I have erred so many times in my life.
At 26, it is too late to make some of them alright again.

I'll do everything in my power to prevent my kids from doing the same mistakes.

*Reflection mode*

 

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goo goo gaa gaa~

I learnt from Mr. Other Half's sister-in-law that she's expecting her first baby in 4 months time. They're having a baby boy. Yeay~! I am happy for them. And I hope, both mother and baby will be just fine.

Except that, I'm a bit, I don't know, frustrated, I guess... Because the first grandson will not be the fruit of my own loins. Though possibility of the the otherwise is much slimmer than my (previously) 24" waist, a girl still can dream, can't she ? I mean, Mr. Oh's brother got married 3 years ago. Whilst we're not even married yet ! And we're thousands of miles apart. Even if we wanted to commit premarital sex, we surely couldn't. And of course, I want my children to be those of legitimacy. Besides, so far, we have no plan to craddle our own baby until our marriage ages 2 years. 

Oh well. Let's just hope none of my siblings will "burn the midnight oil" (ngaaaa~) just to outleague me in producing those little creatures pitter-pattering around the house of Ruslan.

achingly sweet

Hurm... Berangan la nak dapat hug² to sleep Mr. OH dengan body setough itu.

Dan berangan juga la kalau my colouring would ever be fairer than Mr. OH's. (-_-!)

 

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Tempted

Honestly guys, I am tempted to finish off with this Pahang story I was teling you about... 

But I prefer to hit the sack early tonight. I've had a very rough long day. Literally. Long, not as in 9 am to 5 pm long BUT 6.54 am to 5 pm !!! Yes, you read me right, no, I ain't no bluffing y'all ! Don't trust me ? I shall show you the school Teachers' Daily Attendance Listing. It is secured by finger print system as a measure againts cheats. What ? You thought we still use that antique write-your-name-and-sign-in-that-worn-and-torn-big-log-book ?

Now you see why I hate those bunch of people saying "Your life is easy, you're a teacher, you work half day bla²²²~" or "You teachers don't need to work hard. You only go to school and teach." or "You are well paid for a measly job you do" or "I wish I did linguistic studies in Uni because it's all about grammar..." Ha-di-haha ! You're goddamn funny ! If only you know what the hell our life is about !

And a rough day. Roughly because, some fellow colleagues started to play rough with me. 

Finally, for once in weeks, I shed tears in the staffroom. Mainly because of these rough people, the workload, and the rough day altogether. Also perhaps I was a bit on the touchy side because I was gonna have my period soon. As I said "the painters are coming in". I was having a very bad cough, a sore throat, I lost my voice and also was on the brink of falling sick (which explains my current addiction towards Ubat Batuk Cap Ibu dan Anak). But haha ! Nobody noticed me wiping my eyes and face dry (glad I've brought my tissue box to my desk a few days ago). Though there were so many teachers present. What ? You thought when we don't have class, we just sit around, watch people and gossip ? Nooooo ! We hustle bustle around looking for this and that, him and her, getting other than academic stuff done ! We are more than just teachers. We are the cleaners, decorators, prison wardens, head-counters, coaches, trainers, ambulance drivers, typist, accountants, clerks and the list is not exhaustive.

Urgghhh~ 

And I was all smiley-miley goody-goody nicey-nicey all-yessy okay-ee baby... En garde ! 2 years to come, you'll know the real me. No, this isn't even half of my true self*.

 

*Quoting Dila Kasim

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Pahang the return

Just a (try to be) quick update or continuation from my previous episod of Pahang stuff..

So I was saying, I somehow asked under-the-counter-ly to be sent to Pahang, in Pekan, preferably as Mr. Other Half was considering to accept this well-paid job in Gambang. There were a nearer option, in Kuantan precisely. But there was only an SBPI Kuantan available. And no, no one in their right mind would send somebody like me to an SBPI. Why you may ask ? Well, let's just say it's because I am not a hijabi. Enough said. And so, Pekan seemed to be the right choice. A bit of route everyday but quite manageable still. 

Months after this slow talk, finally in February or March 2011, I can't recall, Mr. OH decided to decline this particular offer from Gambang. Firstly because there were some silly requirements which he refused to abide. Next, he's got another job offer near Pasir Gudang, Johor. Not as generously paid as in Gambang, but we thought we could live well enough on it. 

I was doing my internship at that moment. And coincidently, on March 25th (my birthday. hint~hint~), I was given the responsibility to take the KGV French Language students to the bi-annual French Cultural Day (weekend, actually) in Cheras. Also coincidently, the very same person in charge of our placement was present. During a speech, he did invite whoever among us having any particular demand with regard to the placement to have a private talk with him later on. He said it quite jestingly but I thought, "Hey, why not give it a try ?". And so I did. There were 2 posts available in Johor at that time; Tun Fatimah School (Johor Bharu) and Kota Tinggi Science School (Bandar Penawar). The nearest option was of course STF. But to my dismay, it's an all girls school. You see, I myself have spent wasted 5 bloody years of my teen age in an all girls school and in my whole (almost) 26 years walking the earth, I've had enough dramas with girls, women, spinsters, bitches and the like, I said to myself "enough is enough, no more". 

I went to this mister, proudly telling him, I wanted to be sent all the way down south-east to Bandar Penawar. Really, it's like offering a fluffy squishy pillow to a a very very sleepy person, he was so delighted to hear that. It's because for 2 years, there was no French teacher in the school. They really were in dire need of a new teacher, and a volunteer one at that. He even gave me BOTH his private numbers and also his e-mailing address, telling me to remind him again of the matter came June because we were supposed to be in schools in August so he needed to arrange things before time. 

TO BE CONTINUED... Again. I promise.

 

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Planning planning...

It's gonna be a long weekend (Saturday - Tuesday) due to our Prophet Muhammad's Birthday and Thaipussam (?). Need to plan wisely to spend the weekend wisely.

Saturday : 

Do laundry. While waiting for it to dry up, do all school stuff. Prepare handouts, study English Syllabus and prepare for coming English lesson. Yes, I teach English too, though I never had a formal education in teaching that. MUST mark students' English essay. Partly because I'm going into their class right on Wednesday. Also MUST because all teachers in the staff room looked at me in disbelief when I was carrying a bundle of exercise books down to my car. 

NOBODY marks books during weekend. NOBODY.

Sunday :

Go to Jusco & Tesco & Carrefour in Tebrau City. Explore, compare price and do shopping. By books. 

Monday : 

Go to Desaru Beach / Balau Cape (10km away yay !), unwind, daydreaming, layan blues, jiwang karat, read books bought the day before, act pretty in pretty dress... A shame I didn't buy the huge 15RM Mother-of-the-Bride's hat Anis and I were agonizing whether to buy or not back in Malacca. The kind that stabs the eyes of other people in your vicinity...

Little did we know we would be sent away to a school by the sea (almost) where it is most suitable to wear to. Eyes shut, head tilted towards the horizon, smell the salty air, listen to the waves, let the wind blow our floaty white dress and hair while holding the top of our hats in place (just the way Fadly imagines it). 

Tuesday :

Listen to "The Lazy Song".

 

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Pahang

This is like a reallll rusty post I reckon.. But oh well.

The story went from January 2011... 

We were told to fill in the application form in which you'd state which 3 states you wished to be sent to. I think it's more like a protocol stuff because in the end, for Sekolah² berasrama Penuh (Full Boarding School) they'll just send you randomly depending on the need of schools in different states. Mind you, there are currently just like 4-5 SBPs in each state and mind you also, not all of them offer French Language. 

In the form, I put Pahang, Selangor, Negeri Sembilan. In that order. I first opted for Pahang because Mr. Other Half was also being offered a handsomely-paid job in the said state, in Gambang to be precise. So konon² nak jadi isteri mithali, of course it would be a total bliss to be close to my dear (future) husband.

Selangor and Negeri Sembilan were solely there because they are like next door to Kuala Lumpur. Well, you see, I've spent quite half of my life in the capital so I was somewhat really attached to it. I was thinking, it would be awesome to be nearby still. 

No, if you're suspecting it's rather because Mr. OH is a Negeri Sembilanese hence my choice, rest assured, you're wrong. And no, I am not a menantu hantu, but simply, Mr. OH and I have this mutual understanding that we prefer to live life of our own without the shadows of our oldfolks. 

I remember having a slow talk with a lecturer who's also on a friendly basis with the PIC of our placement. The PIC was also a French teacher before getting promoted to the SBP department in the Ministry of Education. And since there were only 15 of us, they believed they could figure out something.  


OK, malas la pulak nak continue plus rasa entry ni boring. Even I'm the one writing pun rasa boring... Perhaps I should stop boring you to death. (-_-!)

 

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Timetable 2012

This is what a packed timetable look like.

 

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Sick

I heard her whispering (loudly) her² name. Calling her² to come to her. 

She pressed 50MYR ? 100MYR ? (don't know, don't care) onto her² palm. That was when she realized my presence just in front of them and she hastily ripped the note from her² hand again. 

I said, "And you thought I didn't see that ?" And she laughed nervously.

She² went, "Ops, busted !"

Honestly, what is wrong with just giving the money openly ? It's not like you're doing anything wrong. Unless, you do realize it is something wrong...

Oh nooooo ! No, no, no ! I'm not jealous. I just feel sick. Very.

 

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Like

Why people "like" their own status on Facebook, is still a mystery to me. 

I mean, of course you like what you're sharing hence the reason why you shared it in the first place...

I'm sorry if I'm right, but it just makes you seem to be desperate to have "something" on something you posted.

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Pictures

There were certainly times when I was thin. And slim. And slender.

What was I doing ? Getting my bra straps correctly placed ?

Though wearing a shiny plum dress, I didn't appear plump.

The top was snug. Still, there's no protruding belly.

A top picked together with Mr. OH in Lisbonne.

Lisbon '08 : waistline 24"

Motif of this entry : Depress ownself.


Sorry I wasted your time looking at my photos. (@.@!)


 

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Wanted

I found a pirated Wanted (2008) VCD on the old TV rack.

Fzah Ruslan : Otak, CD Wanted ni ok tak ? Ke macam typical pirated VCD yang rakam dalam wayang ?

Otak : Ok je rasanye...

FR : Ni cerita yang orang boleh tembak² bullet bending tu ke ?

Otak : Bullet bending ? 

FR : Alaa yang die tembak dalam bulatan pastu bullet tu boleh pusing keliling... (sambil melakonkan aksi tersebut and bergerak dalam bulatan)

Otak : Entah, yang Akim tau pistol dia tu boleh buat tembak jadi bengkok.

FR : Hurm... Ni yang cerita mamat ni bengong² je, tiba² ade perempuan datang cakap abah dia professional assassin yang dah mati, in the end abah die datang balik but in the end abah dia mati balik ke ? (Something quite mouthful to say and not quite helping when you're trying to identify something, don't you think ?)

Otak : Entah. Rasa macam abah (you see, we have this tendency to refer to everybody's dad as Abah, even dads in the movies) dia dah mati awal² cerita lagi... Entah la. Sempat tengok starting je. Tengok dengan Acik dengan Abah sekali time tu. Pastu Abah suruh tutup sebab starting die dah lucah.

Ahhahahahahahhahahahhahahahah !!! How I LAUGHED ! I swear !

First, for me forming a circle thing (semangat much !).

2ndly, for my mouthful speach.

And 3rdly, for the we-didn't-get-to-watch-it-cos-dad-told-us-not-to-for-its-explicite-sexual-content bit.

Really, it was a useless conversation. Might as well not asked and just watched it myself from the beginning. 

On the other hand, we did have a good laugh. Which is a plus. On binding the family together forever front.

 

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School Break

I just loooove school holidays. Though it doesn't affect my life in anyway... BUT !!! It's the great cartoons fiesta ! Everyday !! Joy unbounded !!!

It's when I get to watch old animation pictures I used to have in my kiddo years. Which were in VHS form, which player you can only find in an antique shop nowadays. Which may be sold for display purpose alone.

Now watching Pocahontas. I haven't seen it in ages ! The only fly in the ointment is that, TV3 is now showing Barbie and 12 Dancing Princess. So I am torn between 2 channels. Hurm...

Oh well. You can't have everything.

By the way, I seem to find a strong resemblance between Pocahontas and Mrs. Jolie-pitt. Don't you think so ?

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Avant-goût

The magistrate let out a weary sigh and rake his hand through his thinning blond hair. He looked at Posy, then at Sophie, then Araminta, then Benedict. Lady Bridgerton cleared her throat, forcing him to look at her, too.

*                    *                    *

"I guess, what I'm saying," Sophie said quickly, "is that if I'd known at the beginning what I know now, I would have said something. But I didn't know, and I thought I'd just be positioning myself for heartbreak, and..." she choked on her final words, frantically searching his face for some kind of cue to his feelings. 

"Please say something."

"I love you" he said.

 It was all she needed.

And surely, it was all I need.

Huhhurm. Those are 2 out of hundreds, no, thousands of lines I love most from Julia Quinn's An Offer From a Gentleman. 

Highly recommended.

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You can't make everyone like you

You know, some close friends of mine had made clear their dislike for Mr. Other Half...

One said, "If he ever hurts you, I'll force a Coke can down his throat !". Sadist, is it not ?

Another said, "I don't like him. I don't like you going to his place again. But I will not stop you from going. And I will not shove you out of my appartment if you need to come over to cry your heart out all over again. But I hate what he does to you."

Huhhurm. You see, Mr. OH can be a severe pain in my ass when he chooses to. And to be fair, I am the mother of all bitches to him sometimes. So you can pretty well imagine what a tough and rough relationship we are in. 

Anyway, I'm not gonna go gooey-gooey over our lovey-dovey thang. 

The gist of it is that, I'm trying to tell you, regardless how you love somebody, the ones very close to you may not. So, when these friends were indicating not-so-discreet hints for me to put an end to our relationship, I didn't go mental nor throw a tantrum nor declared a war against them. All I did was smile. Maybe not so sweetly, but apprehensively. I mean, I knew they cared about me, they didn't want anyone to hurt me. 

And as they say, "Love makes the wisest man on earth go stupid". I went foolish as well. I adhered to my choice. Whatever happened from then on, I'd be on my own. I knew they wont mind me weeping on their shoulder if it turned sour and wet down their favourite dress in the process. Because they're my good friends. But I wont hurt my own pride, though. 

Let me tell you something, if you don't think you're strong enough for something challenging and roller-coasterish, don't try love. 

Yet, if you're willing to go extra mile and challenge your own endurance, by all means, go for it ! After all, there's this quote from The Mexican (film) engraved so deep in my vain. 

A: When two people seem to love each other, I mean really, really love each other, but they cant stand each other, when do they get to the point that enough is enough?

B : Never.

Sweet really, if you like this kind of thing...

What do you get from this entry ?

1. Do not begrudge your friend when they do something that displeases you but really, they're trying to protect you.
2. When you choose to ignore that friend's advice, be prepared for the consequences that may follow.
3. And if YOU are THAT friend, don't go haywire when THIS friend tries to protect you the same way you did. 

 

 I'm sorry things in this post lack coherence. Maybe it's because I'm a bit on the tipsy side... Oo-er !

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How to handle a friend-you-don't-really-like's posts on Facebook.

Hahahhahahahahahahhahahahhahahahhahaha !!!


 

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Sweet

There's a cat at Granny's who just loves stalking my feet and leaping on them as if they're big bald mice. I think it's just about time I walk around dragging her with claws stuck in my flesh.

Also, she loves to lick my limbs, especially my hands and feet, with occasional nibbles and chews, like they're big self-rejuvenating lollipops. Sweet really, if you like having a wet sandy thing caressing your body parts and be eaten alive.

Urmmm.. Nom..nom..nom..~

Why does she do that ?


Well perhaps because I am a sweet person. 
Literally.


 

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Yahoo! Mail Extra Address

This is a really cool option for someone who has a crappy mail address. Like mine.

My main mail address is elle_uriko. I set up this account in 2002. That's almost 10 years ago. And in fact, my first password for this mail was xxxx2002. Huhhurm. Once upon a time. 

Now that I'm hitting the world of working boring old human being, I need to have a new mail which address is shouting "I am Fzah Ruslan's mail address !!!" so I will be easily identified by my colleagues or my superior, most importantly. 

So you see, elle_uriko is very dear to me. Apart from its sentimental value, I have so many other accounts under this mail i.e. ebay, amazon, facebook etc²... So I can't just shut it down. Yet in the mean time, I also have a Hotmail account so I don't really wish to have a 3rd account. It's gonna be too much to handle then.

Bagai orang mengantuk disorong bantal, one fine evening, I was clicking away on every buttons in my mail account when I found this function (guess you can pretty well imagine how useless my days are nowadays that I even do these things). 

click ! for better viewing

What's so fabbity fab about this extra mail address is that, it is linked to your main mail address. For example, if you send me a mail to fzah.ruslan, the mail will be sent to my usual elle_uriko. This is to say that the addresses are different but they're sharing the same "house". 

Savvy ?

The same goes with my Yahoo! Messenger.

I get to choose to chat with a pal as elle_uriko or fzah.ruslan. All under one account. 

The only fly in the ointment is just that when I choose fzah.ruslan, my pal will be notified that I am not in their messenger list. Ergo, most of the time I go by elle_uriko.

 

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Cartoon Channel

Animation Movies Marathon Day.

The Princess and The Frog this morning.

Tangled (Rapunzel) this afternoon.

Ooooh, I didn't know they have Tangled Wii Game...

 Now watching Shrek the Third.

And considering Madagascar 2 next.

All new movies to me. Well I don't go to cinemas.

You can call me slowpode or old-fashion or unhip or whatever you wish.

Because do I care ?

Na'a'ah !

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